Pure Joy

One of my favorite verses is James 1:2-3, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance". Followed by John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world".  I think so many times, we ask God why he could let bad things happen to us when we are following his will.  Instead we should ask, "God, how can I serve you and glorify you through my darkest hours?".  The roughest patches can be used to mold us into the child of God we are always supposed to be.  I think of the Grand Canyon and of the many underground caverns, that are absolutely amazing.  They didn't just appear.  The were molded and fashioned by floods and river patterns. There was debris in the water that changed the landscape forever.  Or of an oyster pearl, that started as a particle of sand and festered until it became an amazing pearl.  That is who we are.  Without the debris in our life, we can't become the children has called us to be.  Jeremiah 29:11 says, " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". One of my absolute favorite songs is by Laura Story and is called "Blessings".  I feel every word of that song to my core.  I could have written that song because it is a testimonial of how I desire to live my life.  Here is an excerpt, "We pray for wisdom.Your voice to hear. We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love. As if every promise from Your Word is not enough. And all the while, You hear each desperate plea, and long that we'd have faith to believe". That is what is so amazing to me. I was always taught to "hide God's word in my heart, so that I might not sin against Him". I want to live my life for Him.  I want to glorify God through the rough spots, the nights I can't sleep for thinking of the things I need to get accomplished or how something I might have said could be taken wrong. We have all been there and I so encourage you to "take heart, because He has overcome the world!".  It is not our job to conquer the world.  He already has. We are called to be His tools. That's all.  But we can also be the biggest stumbling block when we allow Satan a strong hold. I chose God. I chose to allow Him to use me, whenever and wherever He calls.

Everything Falls

I went to bed last night thanking God for his blessings and for His wisdom. I needed to hear from Him. I needed Him to speak to me.  I needed to feel His presence and His peace.  This morining was crazy.  We did not wake up on a good note...at all. Kaylee was sick.  Reese wanted to stay home too and Becca was upset because everyone else is upset.  I look to the sky and kinda of say, "Really God. This is not what I asked from you as I cried myself to sleep."  I get in the car and start driving and what do I see...Doodle one of our dogs running down Hailey.  "Really God. I am in a hurry and I have a busy day". So I chase Doodle back towards home and hope she gets there (she did).  Then as I listen to the radio, the following song comes on.  It is called, 'Everything Falls' written by Stephen Fee.

You said you'd never leave or forsake me, when You said this life is gonna shake me.
You said this world is gonna bring trouble, oh my soul. But this I know.
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together.
When everything falls apart, You're the only hope for this heart.
When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone,
I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on. You keep holding on.
When I see darkness all around me, when I see tragedy has found me, I still believe.
Your faithful arms will never let me go. Still I know.
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together.
When everything falls apart, You're the only hope for this heart.
When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone,
I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on. You keep holding on.
Sorrow will last for the night, but hope is rising with the sun,
it's rising with the sun. There will be storms in this life, but I know
you have overcome, you have overcome.
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together.

When everything falls apart, You're the only hope for this heart.
When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone,
I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on. You keep holding on.

I know that when you are doing God's will, Satan finds you prime target for attack. James 1:2-3 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance".  So I will chose joy today.

Cry to Jesus

I am listening to KLOVE on the radio right now and "Cry to Jesus" just came on.  I have always loved that song.  It talks about God wanting to have a realtionship with Him. Cry to Him in times of despair, dance with Him in times of rejoicing and fly to Him with all you are.  Right now I am crying to Him.  I am so greatly frustrated.  I am back to where I first was right after my stroke.  I cannot see at night. My eyes are not focusing well at all and the dizziness is back.  It is frustrating because I feel it is a battle I fight on my own.  No one sees my pain because it is only for me to see.  Most people assume I am just fine because there don't appear to be any obvious outward deformities.  When I can't see, I  just keep walking.  When I am dizzy,I just keep walking.  I am exhausted of masking the issues.  I am mentally, physically and emotionally broken.  I am clinging to Him.  I know He will heal me and that His right now is most certainly not my right now, but I am human and am experiencing frustration.

When I think about how much balance and vision, encompass life it is overwhelming.  We all want balance in our lives. I feel like I am so out of whack. I spent 10 days fasting and focusing and God spoke to me in so many ways and I do not doubt Him and His plan for my life but sometimes I just wish that my right now was His right now, just saying. I don't think that makes me unfaithful.  I think for a true relationship with Him we should be honest with Him.  How much time do I spend trying to pretend to God and act like I am just fine when I am actually frustrated.  It seems really silly to pretend.  He already knows, and speaking it to Him is truly healing.  So that is what I am doing.  Asking God to make my right now, His right now but willing to wait if it is not.

Juggling

There are days when I don't know if I am coming or going. It is so hard to keep all the balls that I am juggling up in the air. I can easily become overwhelmed with all there is to do and all the things that are expected of me. Some of which I don't even know about until its too late. Oh, well, I am a mere mortal pastor's wife trying to do my best to follow His will for my life. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with what I think others expect of me and I am finally seeing that all that matters is what He is asking of me. So many times, I take control of the reins and that is when things are most out of control. I often have a hard time with, "Let Go and Let God". I just want to hold the corner just in case He is not looking when everything falls apart.

Lately I have been very intentional about studying His word and listening instead of talking. That is so hard sometimes. I have been intentional about seeing Him in His creation. Even though I still feel like I am juggling, I am no longer doing it while riding a unicycle. God has granted me peace and I will continue to be still and listen. I know it is not easy and I am not perfect and I will stumble but I hope others will know that I am flawed but by God's grace I am saved. For the first time in a long time, I am not struggling to breath. We serve a mighty God and He knows every more we make whether it is in His will or out. He can redirect our paths.

1 Peter 1:3- His divine power has us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by His own glory and goodness.  Through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that though them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
Glory to God!

Seeing God through My Children

My children bring so much joy to my life. I asked a friend of mine, who now has a 1 yr old, if she could even imagine life without her little girl. It is amazing how much different you view the world when you are looking at it through the eyes of His children. When we just went to the exotic zoo, it was awesome to see Becca's surprise and joy at seeing the animals up close. She was awed at God's creation and so was I. But seeing her awe was way more impressive. Shouldn't we be the same in our spiritual walk? Shouldn't we be in awe of seeing people find Jesus and have the peace that we have through Christ. I know that there is not a day that goes by I have to return to His peace that passes all understanding. Today I was reading Matthew 18 and what a powerful message is in that one chapter! WOW! Jesus puts it all out there on how we are to treat one another. The most amazing thing in there that touched me today, was that we are to come to Him, like children. With the innocence of the child. They don't ever doubt Him. They don't over think it. Just like the song, "Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but he is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves. THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO. The Bible says it, so it is so. That is how we should be and we should be illuminating Him in all that we do.

A Wow Week

For starters, I have been off of my beloved diet Dr. Peppers for 2 weeks now. Longer than I have ever given them up and sugar has not been a problem either. It is funny, I always thought I was way more addicted than Phillip, but he is having a harder time than me.

We started Spring Break with the girls all going to grandparents. Phillip and I had grand plans to demo out a bathroom and get stuff done. Well we had the bathroom and all the laundry done by noon on Sat so we took a little nap. Four hours later, Phillip woke me up and decided we should go to Abilene and have a date. It was so amazing. God met us there. He spoke through this man we were sitting with at Bonzai. We were headed to Carino's and I asked if we could switch and I am so glad we did. You sit with random people and Phillip can talk to anyone. We start talking to this man and it was seriously some of the most reassuring things coming out of his mouth. He had no idea what was going on in our lives and the things he said were all God. Thank you Lord, for meeting us there.

Sunday we had church and then headed to Abilene again for lunch and a movie, then home for another 2 hr nap and then over to Tique and Stacy's to cook out. Monday we got the girls and had a good evening with them.

Tuesday, I started the day with 2 Dr appts. One with an opthamalogist and then neurologist. The optho was able to see that my eyes were not responding as they should. They are weak and that is why they don't focus correctly or dilate correctly. Then I saw my neuro and he said much of the same with the vision stuff and there is really no therapy to make it better. He said I could wear prisms over my eyes that might help but he didn't think that I would wear them. He said all of the things that I am going through is directly related to my brain damage. Not always being able to recognize people, not being able to recognize things if I am moving, not being able to handle loud noises, not being able to follow things quickly, forgetfulness (forgot to put Becca's diaper on the other day and daddy got a surprise), speech issues are all related to that. He said he is amazed at what I push through and do. I told him, no one ever said I should stop. So he said, "Okay, stop. Slow down. Get more sleep. 7 hr of sleep is not enough for you. You need 10". I said oops, I have been getting 5-6. He didn't sound as optimistic that things would improve much more either.

Then we headed to Craig and Fallon's for a break from this insanity we find ourselves living in right now. I didn't answer my phone and tried to get Phillip not too. We get bad news everyday and it can really break you. I feel broken and I didn't want that. We had a wonderful time. We went to some water falls, we went to Gruin and took some family photos and then to an exotic zoo and Longhorn Caverns. It was so nice. Seeing my children laughing. Seeing Becca get a handful of feed and run after the baby deer, squealing trying to give them feed and then shaking in terror. Becca hugging a baby deer. Absolutely precious.

It was so nice to see the beauty of God surrounding us. Praise the Lord for all He does for me!

Now, if I could just get us unpacked.

Lent

Lent begins tomorrow. I looked up Lent from Wikipedia and it is defined as a time of sacrifice to Jesus. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer-through prayer, penitence , alms giving and self-denial- for the annual commemoration of Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus. Conventionally is is described as 40 days long. The 40 days represent the time that, according to the Bible, Jesus spent in the dessert before the beginning of his public ministry, where he endured temptation by Satan.

To truly experience Lent, one must truly give up something that is important to them. It would not be difficult for me to give up smoking or drinking because I don't ever do any of those things. The things that we are supposed to give up are things that can help us draw strength from Him and that will bring us closer to Him. Therefore, I am giving up my beloved sweets and diet sodas. I have tried many a time, but do it on my own terms and with my own strength which is greatly lacking. So, I will have to spend even more time in the Word and more reliance on His strength because I really have very little. I will also be giving up video games. I know it sounds silly for a pastor's wife to need to give such things up and I don't spend much time playing Kaylee's DSi but it has been a way for me to veg out and numb out and I could spend that time on much more useful things for Him. I ask for you to pray for me on this journey because I know it will not be easy. But I am equally as sure that it was not easy for our Heavenly Father to give up His Son to die on the cross for me. The sacrifice He gave is something that is so hard for me to even fathom. I am in awe of His love for me. A woman who is so undeserving. I will learn to grow closer to Him through this experience. I will rely on His strength and not my own. I encourage you to journey with me. The reward will far out way the price.

I can do all things through Christ, who give me Strength!!

All in a day

I was looking at my calendar yesterday and realized my March calendar looks more full than my December calendar did. I like business but not the "I can't catch my breath" business. But that is what we have. I have about 8 loads of laundry that need doing, dishes to be washed, a bathroom to gut and redo and 2 bedrooms that are waiting to be redone. Not to mention, that my family enjoys home-cooked meals and a somewhat clean house. Plus, now we have softball sign-ups.

I have decided that God is purposefully keeping me busy so that I don't have to dwell on what is happening around me at times. Because there are far more things to give God glory for than to be unsettled about. But don't the unsettling things always yell louder than the rest.

God paints a canvas of promises to us in His word. I have never been more close to Him. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take HEART! I have OVERCOME THE WORLD!" John 16:33 I see rainbows all over the place and they consistently remind me of His promises. That He is with me all of the time. It is all in our perspective on how we chose to handle it. I feel really bad for those that have never turned to God when they are struggling. Honestly, I don't see how they function. With God on my side, who can be against me? I have learned to lean more on God, rather than family and friends and church. They are all human and even those with the best intentions can at times let you down. I sometimes put people on such a pedestal that they can't help but not live up to our standards. But those are our standards, not necessarily the standards or duties that God has for them. I know that I need to look at seeing people through the eyes that God seems them. Look at them with grace and mercy and love. If we would all do this, how awesome would our world be? So that is my goal for this year. To see people the way God see's His children.

Raging Seas

I often look at my life and wonder how I got here. When did I get married and have 3 children? How did all this happen so fast? Have I truly been able to enjoy the blessings God has bestowed on me? Am I answering His call on my life the way He has asked or am I answering the call I want Him to ask me? God has not given me my life on a silver platter. Not even close. But even through our darkest hours, He has carried us through. Phillip and I have purposely saught God out. Telling Him, WE WILL FOLLOW! The bottom line is that if you are not in God's will, you will be miserable and when you are in His will, you have peace. It doesn't mean that it will be smooth sailing all the time, but He will carry us when the burden becomes too heavy to bear alone. It is so comforting to know that we are in the place God called us to be. Is it easy...not even close. Two things have blessed me lately and I have to share them. I hope they help you too.

The first is a song, that I am singing in church on Sunday: Let the Waters Rise by Matt Mahar

Don't know where to begin, it's like my world's caving in.
Tho I try but I can't control my fear.
Where do I go from here?
Sometimes its so hard to pray
When you feel so far away
But I am willing to go, where you want me to.
God I trust you.

There's a raging sea. Right in front of me.
Wants to pull me in. Bring me to my knees.
So let the waters rise, if you want them to,
I will follow you. I will follow you.

I will swim in the deep. You will be next to me.
You're in the eye of the storm, in the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach.
You were there with me then. You'll be faithful again.
I'm holding your hand.

God your love is enough. You will pull me through.
I'm holding onto you.
God your love is enough. I will follow you. I will follow you.

and Psalm 71

Lord, I have gone to you for safety. Let me never be put to shame. You do what is right. Save me and help me. Pay attention to me and save me. Be my rock of safety that I can always go to. Give me the command to save me. You are my rock and my fort. My God, save me from the power of sinners. Save me from the hands of those who are mean and evil. You are the King and Lord. You have always been my hope. I have trusted in you ever since I was young. From the time I was born I have depended on you. You brought me out of my mother's body. I will praise you forever. To many people I am an example of how much you care. You are strong. You are my place of safety. My mouth is filled with praise for you. All day long I will talk about your glory. Don't push me away when I'm old. Don't desert me when my strength is gone. My enemies speak against me. Those who want to kill me get together and make evil plans. They say, "God has deserted him. Go after him and grab him. No one will save him." God, don't stay so far away from me. My God, come quickly and help me. May those who bring charges against me die in shame. May those who want to harm me be covered with shame and dishonor. But I will always have hope. I will praise you more and more. I will say that what you have done is right. All day long I will talk about how you have saved your people. It is more that I can understand. Lord, and King, I will come and announce your mighty acts. I will announce that you alone do what is right. God, ever since I was young you have taught me about what you have done. To this very day I tell about your wonderful acts. God don't leave me when I'm old and gray. Let me live to tell my children about your power. Let me tell all of them about your mighty acts. God, your saving acts reach to the skies. you have done great things. God, who is like you? You have sent many bitter troubles my way. But you will bring me back. You will honor me more and more. You will comfort me once again. My God, I will use the harp to praise you because you are always faithful. Holy One of Israel, I will use the lyre to sing praise to you. My lips will shout with joy when I sing praise to you. You have saved me. All day long my tongue will say that you have done what is right. Those who have wanted to harm me have been put to shame. They have not been honored.

I know it is long, but oh so powerful. Phillip and I know that we have answered God's call on our lives. I don't know how anyone can be a pastor's wife and not be called. You are never doing the right thing and are always being beaten down by idle gossip. It is so hard to see what is going on around us. We chose not to give the devil a foothold and we will persevere. We will use our circumstances to give God the glory. People will always say things, but when Christians hurt each other, Satan has a field day. Why is it easier to be negative than to see God working? I will never understand that, but I chose to be a light amidst the darkness.

Respite

Does your life ever seem like it is barreling out of control? Mine was about to take off down Niagara Falls. You name it and I had lost control of it. I don't consider myself a control freak but am trying to come to terms with the fact that I truly am. First step is admission, right? With having had the stroke and being a pastor's wife, I was seeing that I had no control. I had no control over what people were saying about us (because the things circulating were not true so how do I fix that) and since no one would talk to us about things that were going around it makes it hard to straighten things out. (No one still has, grrr). It amazes me that people would rather spread gossip than get to the truth. I have my moments of weakness but have been really trying to be cognizant of it and ask for forgiveness and apologize when I vomit out information. I started using the word vomit for when I start talking about others because that is how I feel. I have been trying so hard to keep my thoughts pure but at times when it boils up, I vomit...all I know. I ask forgiveness from God and my friends. It is so hard, as the pastor's wife you have so much going on in and around your life and you can't tell anyone when things are upside down or it is weakness. Other people can just complain and it is ok, but not us. Everything has to be rosy all the time.

I digress. So, my good friend, Fallon, knew I was in desperate need of a respite. She called and said, "Hey, our church is having a women's retreat and you need to come." I said, "Alright, I am there!!". It was a great break. We had some hilarious adventures. Fallon wanted it to be a restful weekend and it truly was but here is some of what went on...

I borrowed a friends GPS because we discovered that ours was broken. I have trouble with my vision, so I knew that I could not read directions and drive so I needed a GPS. I start out and am having a great time with God. I was rocking out to His word and His world around me. And then I had to potty. I get back in the car and the GPS says, "We have found a way that is 5 min faster". I think, anything that gets me there with less night time driving is better. So I take it. I start heading down this road and after 30 miles, I head down a smaller highway. Now I am hearing my husband in my ear saying, "Always take the main highways, GPS can get you in trouble". I was thinking that most time, the fastest routes are usually main highways because you can go faster. But I end up on FM 962...at 6:10pm and I am swerving around this road and there are deer everywhere...and I can't see anything but the yellow stripe and there are no other cars. It says I have 42 miles to go...no biggie, that is Abilene to Sweetwater. I call Phillip and tell him that I am scared and to pray for me. Then it gets worse. I see a sign that says, "No 18-wheelers and bus turn around ahead". I have never seen a sign like that, but it doesn't sound good and it was not. I was making crazy 180 degree turns up and down a mountain and through river beds. This is nuts and I CAN'T SEE! So finally I just asked God to see for me. And I go there.

Fallon had sent me a text earlier that said, "Go potty if you need to. We are having major plumping issues". I get there and they do not have water. We have to trek over to the church and go potty...and its cold. But hilarious. She then says, "Oh, and I am going to this class at 8:45 in the morning and I thought I would just let you sleep but the plumbers are going to be here at 9 and I am actually going to Zumba at the YMCA and they have showers so you are probably going to need to get up and go so you can shower". So, I just tell her I have always wanted to try but have been scared that I wouldn't be able to follow with my vision issues but I would give it a try. I did fair. I couldn't do it all but I was sweating. Shower was nice too.

Later we went to the retreat and were definitely blessed. I went a different route home and was much refreshed. God always finds a way to keep me laughing.

On the way home, I spent a lot of time with God, talking and listening. I sang to Him and it feels so good to thank Him and truly worship Him. Over the past month or so, God has been blessing me and Phillip with these mini rainbows. I have never in my life seen them before until Dec.3 which is when things first started to get really rocky. I was driving and I saw this rainbow in the clouds. It had not been raining and it was just a rectangle of rainbow in the sky. I tried to take a pic because I had never seen anything like it in my life. I told Phillip about it and he said he saw it too and we were 20 miles apart. On our way home we had been talking abut being faithful to God's call and we saw 3 shooting stars. We thanked God for His wonder and for seeing us.

When we traveled to Dallas on Monday, we saw it again and we knew the next day was going to be tough. On Sunday I saw it again as I was praising God and telling Him that I would follow His will for my life. Not necessarily in distance but in obedience and I would not become complacent the way I have seen those ahead of me do. And the rainbow appeared in this HUGE cloud. I sang out to him for about 15 minutes and the cloud followed me and then it was all just gone. Not even in the horizon. It was amazing. Thank you God. You are always faithful and never step from my side.

Really Seeing

I thought it was an appropriate title since my main side effect from my stroke is my vision. I can't really "see" anything in grayscale. It takes me more than just a few minutes to adjust to actaully see those images. Where most people don't even realize their eyes need to adjust. I can't walk and look for something. I have to stop and look and let myself adjust and that is all the time and not just grayscale. Makes for driving fun. I am going out of town next week. Should be fun. The last 6 monthes of our lives have been some of the most trying times in our lives. In all actuality our time her in Sweetwater so far has been very trying spiritually and emotionally. Becca had some problems in utero and then after and then my stroke and church has been difficult in a whole new sense of trying to serve more and inspire others to serve to. It is quite different from any other church we have been in in that people are truly wanting to serve. I have always been a firm believer in the seeing God work on this earth and also of seeing the cunning powers of the devil. I know that when you are right with God and following Him and people are seeing God's face more that this is troubling to Satin and He knows what buttons to push. So, now I am taking it as a compliment that so much has happened in the last 2 years because it is reassuring that we are doing God's work here. We are seeing His presence in the lives that we are working with. I have always been frustrasted with people who think that once you become a Christian you will always be happy and no bad will ever come to you. Jesus told us it would happen, " He said, "In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world". So we are taking heart in the knowledge that no matter how bad things are right now that God IS in control of our lives right now and we choose to follow Him in all that He asks of us. There is a song out called "Let the Waters Rise" and it has completely moved me. I will mess up the lyrics but here is some of it....There's a raging sea, right in front of me. You were with me then, you'll be with me again. You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea and I will follow you. AMAZING and Wonderfully