Random Pics

Becca is loving her cake!

Becca Loving on Griff. Griff afraid for his life

Becca scrounging for food.

My beauties in the bluebonnet field.

Easter 2010!

More Stroke Info

I went and saw my neurologist last week. He now says that the vision and vertigo issues could last up to 5 years. Some days are 'normal' other days are not. Tonight while putting laundry from the washer to the dryer, I almost fell over and then proceeded to break out in a cold sweat and get dizzy and nauseated. NO fun. I never know when it will get triggered. I know laundry is hard for me but it is so frustrating. At the same time, complaining will not make it any better so I just keep on, keeping on.
The doctor said that I actually did have a clot in my interior cerebellar artery and that it could have been catastrophic. Thankfully it was not and I chose to live each day to its fullest. Lately it has been really tough with what the world is dishing out but we are making do.
He said that he is very concerned about my heart. We are waiting on the 30 day cardiac monitor results to come in. He was disappointed my cardiologist was out of town until next week but what do you do. Everyone deserves a break. He said he doesn't mean to scare me, but he is very concerned but very please with my progress and my positive attitude.
It is crazy the things that bother me. I was trying to watch a picture video and I never could see the images. The styaed abstract because they wouldn't give me time to focus. I hadn't realized how much time I was taking to focus.
All in all...God is Good. SO good. He has blessed me with an amazing husband. There are few men that measure up to him. He is a man after God's heart and an amazing husband who treats me as a treasure and a fantastic daddy that has three little girls that think he is a super hero. God has blessed me. He will continue to bless me and I am so thankful to be called a child of the king.

No Regrets

I have worked many years in health care. As a home health nurse, I would sit and visit with many of my patients. It was so sad to hear so many of them talk about their regrets in life. Many of those that had lost their spouse would say, "I should have told her that she was beautiful more and that I truly loved them" or that they should have said yes to this or that. It was so hard and the men seemed to feel more quilt.

Last night, I told Phillip that no matter what happens to me, I have no regrets and that I could not be a happier wife and mother. He has treated me like the princess my dad would have wanted for his daughter. I feel cherished and loved unconditionally.

It is so hard for me to be 'taken care of' by him. He looks out for me in ways that I am not even looking for. When we went to San Antonio we went to the River Walk. He wouldn't let me walk by the river and he held onto me the whole time. The only reason I even knew was because I was walking by the river for a second and he said," You don't need to walk there". I was like, "oh". Yesterday while walking up stadium steps, I got dizzy because you look up and down and that really makes me sick, so he grabs my arm like they do the little old ladies. He is my protector and I am thankful but feel so bad that he has to do that at such a young age. I just don't like it one bit, but not liking my situation, doesn't change anything so I might as well accept it.

I am continually reminded that I need to look to God. He is in control. He knows my frustrations and fears. He knows that I want to make sure Phillip knows how to put up a pony-tail and braid just in case I am not there to do it. I want them all prepared. I know that I my children don't necessarily need me, but I want to be there to raise them. I know God would take care of my family and there is peace in that but I talk to Him a lot about my desire to raise my children and grow old with my husband. Of course He knows and it is amazing what a friend He has become.

God is good...All the time!

I DON'T Want to Eat Brussel

I don't want to eat brussel sprouts nor do I want to be a 33 year old stroke patient. At the same time, I will eat mybrussel sprouts, ie: stroke. I have decided to come back to the world of blogging because there is so much on my heart and I know that there may be someone else out there that needs to hear what God is laying on my heart. So I have decided to answer his call and write. I am not a writer by far so don't pass too much judgement. I am simply a mom and preacher's wife who is doing her best to give God the glory for all that happens in my life...the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Eight years ago today, I was being prepped for my first of three c-sections where I was going to meet my Kaylee. When she was born, the doctor said, "It's a little lady". Our life has never been the same. I thank God that He gave us Kaylee, Reese and Becca. You see, I never wanted girls because girls are mean to each other but I also always prayed that God would complete our family. He started a little earlier than we expected but of course, He knew best.

It has been 11 weeks today since I had my stoke. Things to be thankful for from the get-go. We had been trying to sell our car for 6 months and that day we sold it. So those payments get to go to medical bills, YEAH! Not really but a blessing. I am actually thankful they did not find out that I had a stroke day 1. I would not have liked to have been in the hospital and that would have cost a lot more. I am thankful for diligent doctors. They all are perplexed on the whys but I don't have to know the whys. I have to know that I can glorify God in that he saved me that night.

My initial fear has been replaced by frustration. I am frustrated that I am doing the same therapy as the 70 year old men and they do some of it better. I am frustrated that I cannot remember where I put things. I am frustrated that my vision is still causing me problems. I am frustrated that I am frustrated.

However, I have decided that being frustrated is not going to change the circumstances. I will continue to smile and Praise the Lord for everyday I get to be with my husband and girls. I am thankful that God allows me to minister to others. I am thankful for all the beauty He puts around us. I am thankful for little girl giggles and hugs. I am thankful for the Sonic drinks my husband brings me. I am thankful.

No news

So far every test that has been done has come back normal except my cholesterol is slightly elevated but carotids are clear of plaque so who knows. I do know that I had 23 tubes of blood taken yesterday and have had twice that take in the past week. I feel about the same. Always exhausted. Blurred and dizzy. Handing out Halloween candy was frustrating. I missed the bag about as much as I got it in there. Argh! I do have a neurology appt on the 12th. Not much longer. Yesterday, my obgyn called because he had heard what had happened and he prayed with me over the phone. I am blessed with great doctors who truly care and I am so thankful God has blessed them with the gift a medicine and healing.

I think about my little girls often. I look at them differently now. I worry about Kaylee. She seems to be a little bit of a loner. She is precious. She is so nurturing. She loves to help others and is always thinking of everyone else. I know she is going to be a wonderful person. I hope that she stays true to her convictions in life. She writes music and stories and they are so sweet. She is an excellent big sister. I know her and Reese argue some but it is normal. She has been letting Reese sleep with her for a week and I promise that isn't easy. She loves little Becca to death and is her ultimate protector.

Reese is amazing in her own right. Yesterday she went with me to the lab and sat with wonder as the blood came out my arm. She helped the lady label them and was so caring. The other day she overheard me telling someone that I can't sleep without Phillip beside me and she said, "Mommy, Daddy is there to take care of you." She is a voice of reason. She is also hilarious. She always keeps us laughing. She is growing up so much. It is hard for me to picture her as a little girl. I just want to keep her small. I often tell her how special she is and that God knew that she would make a great big sister and little sister and that is why she is our middle child. She is a blessing no doubt.

And then there is sweet Becca. She gives the best hugs and kisses. She has become quite the little independent thing lately. She wants to do everything the big girls are doing. She hears them and runs to them. She gets her wii remote and 'plays' right along with them. She is doing some sign language and she knows what she wants and what she doesn't want.

And last but certainly not least, is my wonderful husband, who has chauffered me all around town for the past month. He has taken care of me and the girls as well as worked overtime at the church because that is what a pastor does. He is the most caring man of God. He seeks to serve the Lord in what ever way God calls him. He is so precious. He has led our family to serve God and keeps that at the forefront of our life. He is teaching my children to serve others and I am so thankful for that. It is sad that there are those out there that damage that but I know that is Satan attacking and we are beginning to almost be thankful for the tough times.

I wake up every morning and thank God for letting me wake up and ask how I can serve Him today. God has given me the gift of life and I will not let him down. I am still human and I know I will mess up but I am so thankful for His grace and His forgiveness. We should treat each day as it could be our last. I will glorify God through this storm in my life. I am really working on releasing my fear and learning to live again.

New Normal..or Not So Normal

On September 19, I woke up at 4 am and went to the bathroom and got back in bed and my world started spinning uncontrollably. I have never been so sick. I was profusely sweating, vomiting and couldn't walk. Phillip took me to the hospital and was diagnosed with vestibular neuronitis. My symptoms were not getting better and I started having trouble seeing at times. So after about 10 days, I finally told my doctor and he sent me for an MRI. He and I were thinking multiple sclerosis. It was the longest week. We finally got the results and it appears that I never had vestibular neuronitis but had a cerebellar stroke. It is healing but I am petrified. I can't leave my husband and little ladies. I know that God saved me for a reason. He protected me from an absolutely catastrophic event. I trust that He is with me and I am trying to put away the fear. I am human and it creeps into my thoughts all the time. Everytime that my head tingles or the headache starts pounding I worry. Everytime I leave my girls and husband, I wonder if its the last time I see them. I am doing lots of tests right now and hopefully will have answers soon. I will get an appt with a neurologist soon and hopefuly will find out why but 30% of young people with strokes never know the why. Until then I know God is taking care of us. I continue to battle dizziness and trouble with vision and speaking and typing at times and my fine motor skills are really bad and I feel 10 weeks pregnant but I am not. I will continue to heal but ask for your prayers.

WOW...March

I honestly cannot remember the saying about March, but it is cold, raining and snowinf right now. That has been our weather pattern for much of this year so far. I always love to truly experience the seasons. I hope that this will lead to some amazing West Texas thunderstorms to come. I love storms...controlled storms...and not 'storms' in my personal life. So maybe I don't really like storms.

We are doing great. Becca is sitting up and trying to scooch herself along. She adores her big sisters and I pray that the special relationship that they have now continues. Reese is still the same as always. She wants to be big so bad. Kaylee is doing awesome at school. She is getting ready to baptised. She is taking it very seriously and trying to figure out her relationship with Christ. She has a heart as big as Texas. Really all my children do which I am so blessed by that. We must be doing something right. LOL!

Life has been steadily moving along and we are thouroughly enjoying seeing how God is working in our lives...at home, work, school and Sweetwater.