Exposed

I am so amazingly blessed. God has given me more than I could have ever dreamed of and could ever deserve. I am such a planner and don't like things that I cannot control which makes being pregnant sometimes a scary thing for me. I have prayed for this baby since I was 15 years old. Not that I din't pray for my precious grils but Phillip only wanted to have 2 kids and I knew that someone's heart would have to change. Since having Reese I have been giving this baby up to the Lord. I prayed for Phillip but I prayed for me as well. I prayed that God would take away me desire for another baby if that is not what the Lord had planned for our family. But my desire grew much stronger and all I had to say to Phillip was that I wanted another baby and he said simply, "Okay". I was stunned. Then you get pregnant. I wish I wasn't so much of a what-ifer. I have so many friends and family that have struggled to get pregnant or had numerous miscarriages and I have been so blessed. I am no different and feel so undeserving. I constantly pray to God and thank Him for being able to see my baby as it develops because I cannot see it and that drives me crazy at times. So anyways, I am struggling today with being blessed and I know that sounds silly but I keep thinking that at any moment the bottom could drop out. At the same time it frustrates me that I am not trusting God with my life. He has alwyas been so good to me even when there has been tragedy. So I will continue to pray for God's peace.