Cry to Jesus

I am listening to KLOVE on the radio right now and "Cry to Jesus" just came on.  I have always loved that song.  It talks about God wanting to have a realtionship with Him. Cry to Him in times of despair, dance with Him in times of rejoicing and fly to Him with all you are.  Right now I am crying to Him.  I am so greatly frustrated.  I am back to where I first was right after my stroke.  I cannot see at night. My eyes are not focusing well at all and the dizziness is back.  It is frustrating because I feel it is a battle I fight on my own.  No one sees my pain because it is only for me to see.  Most people assume I am just fine because there don't appear to be any obvious outward deformities.  When I can't see, I  just keep walking.  When I am dizzy,I just keep walking.  I am exhausted of masking the issues.  I am mentally, physically and emotionally broken.  I am clinging to Him.  I know He will heal me and that His right now is most certainly not my right now, but I am human and am experiencing frustration.

When I think about how much balance and vision, encompass life it is overwhelming.  We all want balance in our lives. I feel like I am so out of whack. I spent 10 days fasting and focusing and God spoke to me in so many ways and I do not doubt Him and His plan for my life but sometimes I just wish that my right now was His right now, just saying. I don't think that makes me unfaithful.  I think for a true relationship with Him we should be honest with Him.  How much time do I spend trying to pretend to God and act like I am just fine when I am actually frustrated.  It seems really silly to pretend.  He already knows, and speaking it to Him is truly healing.  So that is what I am doing.  Asking God to make my right now, His right now but willing to wait if it is not.

Juggling

There are days when I don't know if I am coming or going. It is so hard to keep all the balls that I am juggling up in the air. I can easily become overwhelmed with all there is to do and all the things that are expected of me. Some of which I don't even know about until its too late. Oh, well, I am a mere mortal pastor's wife trying to do my best to follow His will for my life. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with what I think others expect of me and I am finally seeing that all that matters is what He is asking of me. So many times, I take control of the reins and that is when things are most out of control. I often have a hard time with, "Let Go and Let God". I just want to hold the corner just in case He is not looking when everything falls apart.

Lately I have been very intentional about studying His word and listening instead of talking. That is so hard sometimes. I have been intentional about seeing Him in His creation. Even though I still feel like I am juggling, I am no longer doing it while riding a unicycle. God has granted me peace and I will continue to be still and listen. I know it is not easy and I am not perfect and I will stumble but I hope others will know that I am flawed but by God's grace I am saved. For the first time in a long time, I am not struggling to breath. We serve a mighty God and He knows every more we make whether it is in His will or out. He can redirect our paths.

1 Peter 1:3- His divine power has us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by His own glory and goodness.  Through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that though them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
Glory to God!