I was looking at my calendar yesterday and realized my March calendar looks more full than my December calendar did. I like business but not the "I can't catch my breath" business. But that is what we have. I have about 8 loads of laundry that need doing, dishes to be washed, a bathroom to gut and redo and 2 bedrooms that are waiting to be redone. Not to mention, that my family enjoys home-cooked meals and a somewhat clean house. Plus, now we have softball sign-ups.
I have decided that God is purposefully keeping me busy so that I don't have to dwell on what is happening around me at times. Because there are far more things to give God glory for than to be unsettled about. But don't the unsettling things always yell louder than the rest.
God paints a canvas of promises to us in His word. I have never been more close to Him. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take HEART! I have OVERCOME THE WORLD!" John 16:33 I see rainbows all over the place and they consistently remind me of His promises. That He is with me all of the time. It is all in our perspective on how we chose to handle it. I feel really bad for those that have never turned to God when they are struggling. Honestly, I don't see how they function. With God on my side, who can be against me? I have learned to lean more on God, rather than family and friends and church. They are all human and even those with the best intentions can at times let you down. I sometimes put people on such a pedestal that they can't help but not live up to our standards. But those are our standards, not necessarily the standards or duties that God has for them. I know that I need to look at seeing people through the eyes that God seems them. Look at them with grace and mercy and love. If we would all do this, how awesome would our world be? So that is my goal for this year. To see people the way God see's His children.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Raging Seas
I often look at my life and wonder how I got here. When did I get married and have 3 children? How did all this happen so fast? Have I truly been able to enjoy the blessings God has bestowed on me? Am I answering His call on my life the way He has asked or am I answering the call I want Him to ask me? God has not given me my life on a silver platter. Not even close. But even through our darkest hours, He has carried us through. Phillip and I have purposely saught God out. Telling Him, WE WILL FOLLOW! The bottom line is that if you are not in God's will, you will be miserable and when you are in His will, you have peace. It doesn't mean that it will be smooth sailing all the time, but He will carry us when the burden becomes too heavy to bear alone. It is so comforting to know that we are in the place God called us to be. Is it easy...not even close. Two things have blessed me lately and I have to share them. I hope they help you too.
The first is a song, that I am singing in church on Sunday: Let the Waters Rise by Matt Mahar
Don't know where to begin, it's like my world's caving in.
Tho I try but I can't control my fear.
Where do I go from here?
Sometimes its so hard to pray
When you feel so far away
But I am willing to go, where you want me to.
God I trust you.
There's a raging sea. Right in front of me.
Wants to pull me in. Bring me to my knees.
So let the waters rise, if you want them to,
I will follow you. I will follow you.
I will swim in the deep. You will be next to me.
You're in the eye of the storm, in the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach.
You were there with me then. You'll be faithful again.
I'm holding your hand.
God your love is enough. You will pull me through.
I'm holding onto you.
God your love is enough. I will follow you. I will follow you.
and Psalm 71
Lord, I have gone to you for safety. Let me never be put to shame. You do what is right. Save me and help me. Pay attention to me and save me. Be my rock of safety that I can always go to. Give me the command to save me. You are my rock and my fort. My God, save me from the power of sinners. Save me from the hands of those who are mean and evil. You are the King and Lord. You have always been my hope. I have trusted in you ever since I was young. From the time I was born I have depended on you. You brought me out of my mother's body. I will praise you forever. To many people I am an example of how much you care. You are strong. You are my place of safety. My mouth is filled with praise for you. All day long I will talk about your glory. Don't push me away when I'm old. Don't desert me when my strength is gone. My enemies speak against me. Those who want to kill me get together and make evil plans. They say, "God has deserted him. Go after him and grab him. No one will save him." God, don't stay so far away from me. My God, come quickly and help me. May those who bring charges against me die in shame. May those who want to harm me be covered with shame and dishonor. But I will always have hope. I will praise you more and more. I will say that what you have done is right. All day long I will talk about how you have saved your people. It is more that I can understand. Lord, and King, I will come and announce your mighty acts. I will announce that you alone do what is right. God, ever since I was young you have taught me about what you have done. To this very day I tell about your wonderful acts. God don't leave me when I'm old and gray. Let me live to tell my children about your power. Let me tell all of them about your mighty acts. God, your saving acts reach to the skies. you have done great things. God, who is like you? You have sent many bitter troubles my way. But you will bring me back. You will honor me more and more. You will comfort me once again. My God, I will use the harp to praise you because you are always faithful. Holy One of Israel, I will use the lyre to sing praise to you. My lips will shout with joy when I sing praise to you. You have saved me. All day long my tongue will say that you have done what is right. Those who have wanted to harm me have been put to shame. They have not been honored.
I know it is long, but oh so powerful. Phillip and I know that we have answered God's call on our lives. I don't know how anyone can be a pastor's wife and not be called. You are never doing the right thing and are always being beaten down by idle gossip. It is so hard to see what is going on around us. We chose not to give the devil a foothold and we will persevere. We will use our circumstances to give God the glory. People will always say things, but when Christians hurt each other, Satan has a field day. Why is it easier to be negative than to see God working? I will never understand that, but I chose to be a light amidst the darkness.
The first is a song, that I am singing in church on Sunday: Let the Waters Rise by Matt Mahar
Don't know where to begin, it's like my world's caving in.
Tho I try but I can't control my fear.
Where do I go from here?
Sometimes its so hard to pray
When you feel so far away
But I am willing to go, where you want me to.
God I trust you.
There's a raging sea. Right in front of me.
Wants to pull me in. Bring me to my knees.
So let the waters rise, if you want them to,
I will follow you. I will follow you.
I will swim in the deep. You will be next to me.
You're in the eye of the storm, in the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach.
You were there with me then. You'll be faithful again.
I'm holding your hand.
God your love is enough. You will pull me through.
I'm holding onto you.
God your love is enough. I will follow you. I will follow you.
and Psalm 71
Lord, I have gone to you for safety. Let me never be put to shame. You do what is right. Save me and help me. Pay attention to me and save me. Be my rock of safety that I can always go to. Give me the command to save me. You are my rock and my fort. My God, save me from the power of sinners. Save me from the hands of those who are mean and evil. You are the King and Lord. You have always been my hope. I have trusted in you ever since I was young. From the time I was born I have depended on you. You brought me out of my mother's body. I will praise you forever. To many people I am an example of how much you care. You are strong. You are my place of safety. My mouth is filled with praise for you. All day long I will talk about your glory. Don't push me away when I'm old. Don't desert me when my strength is gone. My enemies speak against me. Those who want to kill me get together and make evil plans. They say, "God has deserted him. Go after him and grab him. No one will save him." God, don't stay so far away from me. My God, come quickly and help me. May those who bring charges against me die in shame. May those who want to harm me be covered with shame and dishonor. But I will always have hope. I will praise you more and more. I will say that what you have done is right. All day long I will talk about how you have saved your people. It is more that I can understand. Lord, and King, I will come and announce your mighty acts. I will announce that you alone do what is right. God, ever since I was young you have taught me about what you have done. To this very day I tell about your wonderful acts. God don't leave me when I'm old and gray. Let me live to tell my children about your power. Let me tell all of them about your mighty acts. God, your saving acts reach to the skies. you have done great things. God, who is like you? You have sent many bitter troubles my way. But you will bring me back. You will honor me more and more. You will comfort me once again. My God, I will use the harp to praise you because you are always faithful. Holy One of Israel, I will use the lyre to sing praise to you. My lips will shout with joy when I sing praise to you. You have saved me. All day long my tongue will say that you have done what is right. Those who have wanted to harm me have been put to shame. They have not been honored.
I know it is long, but oh so powerful. Phillip and I know that we have answered God's call on our lives. I don't know how anyone can be a pastor's wife and not be called. You are never doing the right thing and are always being beaten down by idle gossip. It is so hard to see what is going on around us. We chose not to give the devil a foothold and we will persevere. We will use our circumstances to give God the glory. People will always say things, but when Christians hurt each other, Satan has a field day. Why is it easier to be negative than to see God working? I will never understand that, but I chose to be a light amidst the darkness.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Respite
Does your life ever seem like it is barreling out of control? Mine was about to take off down Niagara Falls. You name it and I had lost control of it. I don't consider myself a control freak but am trying to come to terms with the fact that I truly am. First step is admission, right? With having had the stroke and being a pastor's wife, I was seeing that I had no control. I had no control over what people were saying about us (because the things circulating were not true so how do I fix that) and since no one would talk to us about things that were going around it makes it hard to straighten things out. (No one still has, grrr). It amazes me that people would rather spread gossip than get to the truth. I have my moments of weakness but have been really trying to be cognizant of it and ask for forgiveness and apologize when I vomit out information. I started using the word vomit for when I start talking about others because that is how I feel. I have been trying so hard to keep my thoughts pure but at times when it boils up, I vomit...all I know. I ask forgiveness from God and my friends. It is so hard, as the pastor's wife you have so much going on in and around your life and you can't tell anyone when things are upside down or it is weakness. Other people can just complain and it is ok, but not us. Everything has to be rosy all the time.
I digress. So, my good friend, Fallon, knew I was in desperate need of a respite. She called and said, "Hey, our church is having a women's retreat and you need to come." I said, "Alright, I am there!!". It was a great break. We had some hilarious adventures. Fallon wanted it to be a restful weekend and it truly was but here is some of what went on...
I borrowed a friends GPS because we discovered that ours was broken. I have trouble with my vision, so I knew that I could not read directions and drive so I needed a GPS. I start out and am having a great time with God. I was rocking out to His word and His world around me. And then I had to potty. I get back in the car and the GPS says, "We have found a way that is 5 min faster". I think, anything that gets me there with less night time driving is better. So I take it. I start heading down this road and after 30 miles, I head down a smaller highway. Now I am hearing my husband in my ear saying, "Always take the main highways, GPS can get you in trouble". I was thinking that most time, the fastest routes are usually main highways because you can go faster. But I end up on FM 962...at 6:10pm and I am swerving around this road and there are deer everywhere...and I can't see anything but the yellow stripe and there are no other cars. It says I have 42 miles to go...no biggie, that is Abilene to Sweetwater. I call Phillip and tell him that I am scared and to pray for me. Then it gets worse. I see a sign that says, "No 18-wheelers and bus turn around ahead". I have never seen a sign like that, but it doesn't sound good and it was not. I was making crazy 180 degree turns up and down a mountain and through river beds. This is nuts and I CAN'T SEE! So finally I just asked God to see for me. And I go there.
Fallon had sent me a text earlier that said, "Go potty if you need to. We are having major plumping issues". I get there and they do not have water. We have to trek over to the church and go potty...and its cold. But hilarious. She then says, "Oh, and I am going to this class at 8:45 in the morning and I thought I would just let you sleep but the plumbers are going to be here at 9 and I am actually going to Zumba at the YMCA and they have showers so you are probably going to need to get up and go so you can shower". So, I just tell her I have always wanted to try but have been scared that I wouldn't be able to follow with my vision issues but I would give it a try. I did fair. I couldn't do it all but I was sweating. Shower was nice too.
Later we went to the retreat and were definitely blessed. I went a different route home and was much refreshed. God always finds a way to keep me laughing.
On the way home, I spent a lot of time with God, talking and listening. I sang to Him and it feels so good to thank Him and truly worship Him. Over the past month or so, God has been blessing me and Phillip with these mini rainbows. I have never in my life seen them before until Dec.3 which is when things first started to get really rocky. I was driving and I saw this rainbow in the clouds. It had not been raining and it was just a rectangle of rainbow in the sky. I tried to take a pic because I had never seen anything like it in my life. I told Phillip about it and he said he saw it too and we were 20 miles apart. On our way home we had been talking abut being faithful to God's call and we saw 3 shooting stars. We thanked God for His wonder and for seeing us.
When we traveled to Dallas on Monday, we saw it again and we knew the next day was going to be tough. On Sunday I saw it again as I was praising God and telling Him that I would follow His will for my life. Not necessarily in distance but in obedience and I would not become complacent the way I have seen those ahead of me do. And the rainbow appeared in this HUGE cloud. I sang out to him for about 15 minutes and the cloud followed me and then it was all just gone. Not even in the horizon. It was amazing. Thank you God. You are always faithful and never step from my side.
I digress. So, my good friend, Fallon, knew I was in desperate need of a respite. She called and said, "Hey, our church is having a women's retreat and you need to come." I said, "Alright, I am there!!". It was a great break. We had some hilarious adventures. Fallon wanted it to be a restful weekend and it truly was but here is some of what went on...
I borrowed a friends GPS because we discovered that ours was broken. I have trouble with my vision, so I knew that I could not read directions and drive so I needed a GPS. I start out and am having a great time with God. I was rocking out to His word and His world around me. And then I had to potty. I get back in the car and the GPS says, "We have found a way that is 5 min faster". I think, anything that gets me there with less night time driving is better. So I take it. I start heading down this road and after 30 miles, I head down a smaller highway. Now I am hearing my husband in my ear saying, "Always take the main highways, GPS can get you in trouble". I was thinking that most time, the fastest routes are usually main highways because you can go faster. But I end up on FM 962...at 6:10pm and I am swerving around this road and there are deer everywhere...and I can't see anything but the yellow stripe and there are no other cars. It says I have 42 miles to go...no biggie, that is Abilene to Sweetwater. I call Phillip and tell him that I am scared and to pray for me. Then it gets worse. I see a sign that says, "No 18-wheelers and bus turn around ahead". I have never seen a sign like that, but it doesn't sound good and it was not. I was making crazy 180 degree turns up and down a mountain and through river beds. This is nuts and I CAN'T SEE! So finally I just asked God to see for me. And I go there.
Fallon had sent me a text earlier that said, "Go potty if you need to. We are having major plumping issues". I get there and they do not have water. We have to trek over to the church and go potty...and its cold. But hilarious. She then says, "Oh, and I am going to this class at 8:45 in the morning and I thought I would just let you sleep but the plumbers are going to be here at 9 and I am actually going to Zumba at the YMCA and they have showers so you are probably going to need to get up and go so you can shower". So, I just tell her I have always wanted to try but have been scared that I wouldn't be able to follow with my vision issues but I would give it a try. I did fair. I couldn't do it all but I was sweating. Shower was nice too.
Later we went to the retreat and were definitely blessed. I went a different route home and was much refreshed. God always finds a way to keep me laughing.
On the way home, I spent a lot of time with God, talking and listening. I sang to Him and it feels so good to thank Him and truly worship Him. Over the past month or so, God has been blessing me and Phillip with these mini rainbows. I have never in my life seen them before until Dec.3 which is when things first started to get really rocky. I was driving and I saw this rainbow in the clouds. It had not been raining and it was just a rectangle of rainbow in the sky. I tried to take a pic because I had never seen anything like it in my life. I told Phillip about it and he said he saw it too and we were 20 miles apart. On our way home we had been talking abut being faithful to God's call and we saw 3 shooting stars. We thanked God for His wonder and for seeing us.
When we traveled to Dallas on Monday, we saw it again and we knew the next day was going to be tough. On Sunday I saw it again as I was praising God and telling Him that I would follow His will for my life. Not necessarily in distance but in obedience and I would not become complacent the way I have seen those ahead of me do. And the rainbow appeared in this HUGE cloud. I sang out to him for about 15 minutes and the cloud followed me and then it was all just gone. Not even in the horizon. It was amazing. Thank you God. You are always faithful and never step from my side.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Really Seeing
I thought it was an appropriate title since my main side effect from my stroke is my vision. I can't really "see" anything in grayscale. It takes me more than just a few minutes to adjust to actaully see those images. Where most people don't even realize their eyes need to adjust. I can't walk and look for something. I have to stop and look and let myself adjust and that is all the time and not just grayscale. Makes for driving fun. I am going out of town next week. Should be fun. The last 6 monthes of our lives have been some of the most trying times in our lives. In all actuality our time her in Sweetwater so far has been very trying spiritually and emotionally. Becca had some problems in utero and then after and then my stroke and church has been difficult in a whole new sense of trying to serve more and inspire others to serve to. It is quite different from any other church we have been in in that people are truly wanting to serve. I have always been a firm believer in the seeing God work on this earth and also of seeing the cunning powers of the devil. I know that when you are right with God and following Him and people are seeing God's face more that this is troubling to Satin and He knows what buttons to push. So, now I am taking it as a compliment that so much has happened in the last 2 years because it is reassuring that we are doing God's work here. We are seeing His presence in the lives that we are working with. I have always been frustrasted with people who think that once you become a Christian you will always be happy and no bad will ever come to you. Jesus told us it would happen, " He said, "In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world". So we are taking heart in the knowledge that no matter how bad things are right now that God IS in control of our lives right now and we choose to follow Him in all that He asks of us. There is a song out called "Let the Waters Rise" and it has completely moved me. I will mess up the lyrics but here is some of it....There's a raging sea, right in front of me. You were with me then, you'll be with me again. You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea and I will follow you. AMAZING and Wonderfully
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Random Pics
Becca is loving her cake!
Becca Loving on Griff. Griff afraid for his life
Becca scrounging for food.
My beauties in the bluebonnet field.
Easter 2010!
More Stroke Info
I went and saw my neurologist last week. He now says that the vision and vertigo issues could last up to 5 years. Some days are 'normal' other days are not. Tonight while putting laundry from the washer to the dryer, I almost fell over and then proceeded to break out in a cold sweat and get dizzy and nauseated. NO fun. I never know when it will get triggered. I know laundry is hard for me but it is so frustrating. At the same time, complaining will not make it any better so I just keep on, keeping on.
The doctor said that I actually did have a clot in my interior cerebellar artery and that it could have been catastrophic. Thankfully it was not and I chose to live each day to its fullest. Lately it has been really tough with what the world is dishing out but we are making do.
He said that he is very concerned about my heart. We are waiting on the 30 day cardiac monitor results to come in. He was disappointed my cardiologist was out of town until next week but what do you do. Everyone deserves a break. He said he doesn't mean to scare me, but he is very concerned but very please with my progress and my positive attitude.
It is crazy the things that bother me. I was trying to watch a picture video and I never could see the images. The styaed abstract because they wouldn't give me time to focus. I hadn't realized how much time I was taking to focus.
All in all...God is Good. SO good. He has blessed me with an amazing husband. There are few men that measure up to him. He is a man after God's heart and an amazing husband who treats me as a treasure and a fantastic daddy that has three little girls that think he is a super hero. God has blessed me. He will continue to bless me and I am so thankful to be called a child of the king.
The doctor said that I actually did have a clot in my interior cerebellar artery and that it could have been catastrophic. Thankfully it was not and I chose to live each day to its fullest. Lately it has been really tough with what the world is dishing out but we are making do.
He said that he is very concerned about my heart. We are waiting on the 30 day cardiac monitor results to come in. He was disappointed my cardiologist was out of town until next week but what do you do. Everyone deserves a break. He said he doesn't mean to scare me, but he is very concerned but very please with my progress and my positive attitude.
It is crazy the things that bother me. I was trying to watch a picture video and I never could see the images. The styaed abstract because they wouldn't give me time to focus. I hadn't realized how much time I was taking to focus.
All in all...God is Good. SO good. He has blessed me with an amazing husband. There are few men that measure up to him. He is a man after God's heart and an amazing husband who treats me as a treasure and a fantastic daddy that has three little girls that think he is a super hero. God has blessed me. He will continue to bless me and I am so thankful to be called a child of the king.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
No Regrets
I have worked many years in health care. As a home health nurse, I would sit and visit with many of my patients. It was so sad to hear so many of them talk about their regrets in life. Many of those that had lost their spouse would say, "I should have told her that she was beautiful more and that I truly loved them" or that they should have said yes to this or that. It was so hard and the men seemed to feel more quilt.
Last night, I told Phillip that no matter what happens to me, I have no regrets and that I could not be a happier wife and mother. He has treated me like the princess my dad would have wanted for his daughter. I feel cherished and loved unconditionally.
It is so hard for me to be 'taken care of' by him. He looks out for me in ways that I am not even looking for. When we went to San Antonio we went to the River Walk. He wouldn't let me walk by the river and he held onto me the whole time. The only reason I even knew was because I was walking by the river for a second and he said," You don't need to walk there". I was like, "oh". Yesterday while walking up stadium steps, I got dizzy because you look up and down and that really makes me sick, so he grabs my arm like they do the little old ladies. He is my protector and I am thankful but feel so bad that he has to do that at such a young age. I just don't like it one bit, but not liking my situation, doesn't change anything so I might as well accept it.
I am continually reminded that I need to look to God. He is in control. He knows my frustrations and fears. He knows that I want to make sure Phillip knows how to put up a pony-tail and braid just in case I am not there to do it. I want them all prepared. I know that I my children don't necessarily need me, but I want to be there to raise them. I know God would take care of my family and there is peace in that but I talk to Him a lot about my desire to raise my children and grow old with my husband. Of course He knows and it is amazing what a friend He has become.
God is good...All the time!
Last night, I told Phillip that no matter what happens to me, I have no regrets and that I could not be a happier wife and mother. He has treated me like the princess my dad would have wanted for his daughter. I feel cherished and loved unconditionally.
It is so hard for me to be 'taken care of' by him. He looks out for me in ways that I am not even looking for. When we went to San Antonio we went to the River Walk. He wouldn't let me walk by the river and he held onto me the whole time. The only reason I even knew was because I was walking by the river for a second and he said," You don't need to walk there". I was like, "oh". Yesterday while walking up stadium steps, I got dizzy because you look up and down and that really makes me sick, so he grabs my arm like they do the little old ladies. He is my protector and I am thankful but feel so bad that he has to do that at such a young age. I just don't like it one bit, but not liking my situation, doesn't change anything so I might as well accept it.
I am continually reminded that I need to look to God. He is in control. He knows my frustrations and fears. He knows that I want to make sure Phillip knows how to put up a pony-tail and braid just in case I am not there to do it. I want them all prepared. I know that I my children don't necessarily need me, but I want to be there to raise them. I know God would take care of my family and there is peace in that but I talk to Him a lot about my desire to raise my children and grow old with my husband. Of course He knows and it is amazing what a friend He has become.
God is good...All the time!
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