Pure Joy

One of my favorite verses is James 1:2-3, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance". Followed by John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world".  I think so many times, we ask God why he could let bad things happen to us when we are following his will.  Instead we should ask, "God, how can I serve you and glorify you through my darkest hours?".  The roughest patches can be used to mold us into the child of God we are always supposed to be.  I think of the Grand Canyon and of the many underground caverns, that are absolutely amazing.  They didn't just appear.  The were molded and fashioned by floods and river patterns. There was debris in the water that changed the landscape forever.  Or of an oyster pearl, that started as a particle of sand and festered until it became an amazing pearl.  That is who we are.  Without the debris in our life, we can't become the children has called us to be.  Jeremiah 29:11 says, " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". One of my absolute favorite songs is by Laura Story and is called "Blessings".  I feel every word of that song to my core.  I could have written that song because it is a testimonial of how I desire to live my life.  Here is an excerpt, "We pray for wisdom.Your voice to hear. We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near. We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love. As if every promise from Your Word is not enough. And all the while, You hear each desperate plea, and long that we'd have faith to believe". That is what is so amazing to me. I was always taught to "hide God's word in my heart, so that I might not sin against Him". I want to live my life for Him.  I want to glorify God through the rough spots, the nights I can't sleep for thinking of the things I need to get accomplished or how something I might have said could be taken wrong. We have all been there and I so encourage you to "take heart, because He has overcome the world!".  It is not our job to conquer the world.  He already has. We are called to be His tools. That's all.  But we can also be the biggest stumbling block when we allow Satan a strong hold. I chose God. I chose to allow Him to use me, whenever and wherever He calls.

Everything Falls

I went to bed last night thanking God for his blessings and for His wisdom. I needed to hear from Him. I needed Him to speak to me.  I needed to feel His presence and His peace.  This morining was crazy.  We did not wake up on a good note...at all. Kaylee was sick.  Reese wanted to stay home too and Becca was upset because everyone else is upset.  I look to the sky and kinda of say, "Really God. This is not what I asked from you as I cried myself to sleep."  I get in the car and start driving and what do I see...Doodle one of our dogs running down Hailey.  "Really God. I am in a hurry and I have a busy day". So I chase Doodle back towards home and hope she gets there (she did).  Then as I listen to the radio, the following song comes on.  It is called, 'Everything Falls' written by Stephen Fee.

You said you'd never leave or forsake me, when You said this life is gonna shake me.
You said this world is gonna bring trouble, oh my soul. But this I know.
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together.
When everything falls apart, You're the only hope for this heart.
When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone,
I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on. You keep holding on.
When I see darkness all around me, when I see tragedy has found me, I still believe.
Your faithful arms will never let me go. Still I know.
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together.
When everything falls apart, You're the only hope for this heart.
When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone,
I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on. You keep holding on.
Sorrow will last for the night, but hope is rising with the sun,
it's rising with the sun. There will be storms in this life, but I know
you have overcome, you have overcome.
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together.

When everything falls apart, You're the only hope for this heart.
When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone,
I find You mighty and strong. You keep holding on. You keep holding on.

I know that when you are doing God's will, Satan finds you prime target for attack. James 1:2-3 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance".  So I will chose joy today.

Cry to Jesus

I am listening to KLOVE on the radio right now and "Cry to Jesus" just came on.  I have always loved that song.  It talks about God wanting to have a realtionship with Him. Cry to Him in times of despair, dance with Him in times of rejoicing and fly to Him with all you are.  Right now I am crying to Him.  I am so greatly frustrated.  I am back to where I first was right after my stroke.  I cannot see at night. My eyes are not focusing well at all and the dizziness is back.  It is frustrating because I feel it is a battle I fight on my own.  No one sees my pain because it is only for me to see.  Most people assume I am just fine because there don't appear to be any obvious outward deformities.  When I can't see, I  just keep walking.  When I am dizzy,I just keep walking.  I am exhausted of masking the issues.  I am mentally, physically and emotionally broken.  I am clinging to Him.  I know He will heal me and that His right now is most certainly not my right now, but I am human and am experiencing frustration.

When I think about how much balance and vision, encompass life it is overwhelming.  We all want balance in our lives. I feel like I am so out of whack. I spent 10 days fasting and focusing and God spoke to me in so many ways and I do not doubt Him and His plan for my life but sometimes I just wish that my right now was His right now, just saying. I don't think that makes me unfaithful.  I think for a true relationship with Him we should be honest with Him.  How much time do I spend trying to pretend to God and act like I am just fine when I am actually frustrated.  It seems really silly to pretend.  He already knows, and speaking it to Him is truly healing.  So that is what I am doing.  Asking God to make my right now, His right now but willing to wait if it is not.

Juggling

There are days when I don't know if I am coming or going. It is so hard to keep all the balls that I am juggling up in the air. I can easily become overwhelmed with all there is to do and all the things that are expected of me. Some of which I don't even know about until its too late. Oh, well, I am a mere mortal pastor's wife trying to do my best to follow His will for my life. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with what I think others expect of me and I am finally seeing that all that matters is what He is asking of me. So many times, I take control of the reins and that is when things are most out of control. I often have a hard time with, "Let Go and Let God". I just want to hold the corner just in case He is not looking when everything falls apart.

Lately I have been very intentional about studying His word and listening instead of talking. That is so hard sometimes. I have been intentional about seeing Him in His creation. Even though I still feel like I am juggling, I am no longer doing it while riding a unicycle. God has granted me peace and I will continue to be still and listen. I know it is not easy and I am not perfect and I will stumble but I hope others will know that I am flawed but by God's grace I am saved. For the first time in a long time, I am not struggling to breath. We serve a mighty God and He knows every more we make whether it is in His will or out. He can redirect our paths.

1 Peter 1:3- His divine power has us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by His own glory and goodness.  Through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that though them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
Glory to God!

Seeing God through My Children

My children bring so much joy to my life. I asked a friend of mine, who now has a 1 yr old, if she could even imagine life without her little girl. It is amazing how much different you view the world when you are looking at it through the eyes of His children. When we just went to the exotic zoo, it was awesome to see Becca's surprise and joy at seeing the animals up close. She was awed at God's creation and so was I. But seeing her awe was way more impressive. Shouldn't we be the same in our spiritual walk? Shouldn't we be in awe of seeing people find Jesus and have the peace that we have through Christ. I know that there is not a day that goes by I have to return to His peace that passes all understanding. Today I was reading Matthew 18 and what a powerful message is in that one chapter! WOW! Jesus puts it all out there on how we are to treat one another. The most amazing thing in there that touched me today, was that we are to come to Him, like children. With the innocence of the child. They don't ever doubt Him. They don't over think it. Just like the song, "Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but he is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves. THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO. The Bible says it, so it is so. That is how we should be and we should be illuminating Him in all that we do.

A Wow Week

For starters, I have been off of my beloved diet Dr. Peppers for 2 weeks now. Longer than I have ever given them up and sugar has not been a problem either. It is funny, I always thought I was way more addicted than Phillip, but he is having a harder time than me.

We started Spring Break with the girls all going to grandparents. Phillip and I had grand plans to demo out a bathroom and get stuff done. Well we had the bathroom and all the laundry done by noon on Sat so we took a little nap. Four hours later, Phillip woke me up and decided we should go to Abilene and have a date. It was so amazing. God met us there. He spoke through this man we were sitting with at Bonzai. We were headed to Carino's and I asked if we could switch and I am so glad we did. You sit with random people and Phillip can talk to anyone. We start talking to this man and it was seriously some of the most reassuring things coming out of his mouth. He had no idea what was going on in our lives and the things he said were all God. Thank you Lord, for meeting us there.

Sunday we had church and then headed to Abilene again for lunch and a movie, then home for another 2 hr nap and then over to Tique and Stacy's to cook out. Monday we got the girls and had a good evening with them.

Tuesday, I started the day with 2 Dr appts. One with an opthamalogist and then neurologist. The optho was able to see that my eyes were not responding as they should. They are weak and that is why they don't focus correctly or dilate correctly. Then I saw my neuro and he said much of the same with the vision stuff and there is really no therapy to make it better. He said I could wear prisms over my eyes that might help but he didn't think that I would wear them. He said all of the things that I am going through is directly related to my brain damage. Not always being able to recognize people, not being able to recognize things if I am moving, not being able to handle loud noises, not being able to follow things quickly, forgetfulness (forgot to put Becca's diaper on the other day and daddy got a surprise), speech issues are all related to that. He said he is amazed at what I push through and do. I told him, no one ever said I should stop. So he said, "Okay, stop. Slow down. Get more sleep. 7 hr of sleep is not enough for you. You need 10". I said oops, I have been getting 5-6. He didn't sound as optimistic that things would improve much more either.

Then we headed to Craig and Fallon's for a break from this insanity we find ourselves living in right now. I didn't answer my phone and tried to get Phillip not too. We get bad news everyday and it can really break you. I feel broken and I didn't want that. We had a wonderful time. We went to some water falls, we went to Gruin and took some family photos and then to an exotic zoo and Longhorn Caverns. It was so nice. Seeing my children laughing. Seeing Becca get a handful of feed and run after the baby deer, squealing trying to give them feed and then shaking in terror. Becca hugging a baby deer. Absolutely precious.

It was so nice to see the beauty of God surrounding us. Praise the Lord for all He does for me!

Now, if I could just get us unpacked.

Lent

Lent begins tomorrow. I looked up Lent from Wikipedia and it is defined as a time of sacrifice to Jesus. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer-through prayer, penitence , alms giving and self-denial- for the annual commemoration of Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus. Conventionally is is described as 40 days long. The 40 days represent the time that, according to the Bible, Jesus spent in the dessert before the beginning of his public ministry, where he endured temptation by Satan.

To truly experience Lent, one must truly give up something that is important to them. It would not be difficult for me to give up smoking or drinking because I don't ever do any of those things. The things that we are supposed to give up are things that can help us draw strength from Him and that will bring us closer to Him. Therefore, I am giving up my beloved sweets and diet sodas. I have tried many a time, but do it on my own terms and with my own strength which is greatly lacking. So, I will have to spend even more time in the Word and more reliance on His strength because I really have very little. I will also be giving up video games. I know it sounds silly for a pastor's wife to need to give such things up and I don't spend much time playing Kaylee's DSi but it has been a way for me to veg out and numb out and I could spend that time on much more useful things for Him. I ask for you to pray for me on this journey because I know it will not be easy. But I am equally as sure that it was not easy for our Heavenly Father to give up His Son to die on the cross for me. The sacrifice He gave is something that is so hard for me to even fathom. I am in awe of His love for me. A woman who is so undeserving. I will learn to grow closer to Him through this experience. I will rely on His strength and not my own. I encourage you to journey with me. The reward will far out way the price.

I can do all things through Christ, who give me Strength!!